forgive me if I seem calm.

One day at work a lady came up to check out and placed Taken on the counter.
Me: Oh! I love this movie. It is so good! Have you heard they are coming out with a Taken 2?
Lady: Yes. It's for my son. He wanted it. It is good but it's really sad.
Me: Yeah it is but it's happening all over the world right now and a lot closer than you think.
Lady: I just like to pretend.
Instantly I felt my body fill with rage. How can you just pretend that this is not happening?  I bit my tongue and calmly finished her transaction.
I know how she can pretend. I know how I pretend. I know how you pretend. The biggest sex trafficking ring is here in Texas. Houston Texas. Right in our back yard. Everyday we purchase products labeled "SALE" or give the most business to the one company who prides themselves in always having low prices. Yet we fail to acknowledge that low prices are often synonymous to slave labor. That chocolate is largely produced with cocoa beans that are harvested by child slaves. Why don't we see this? Why don't we care? Why do we "just like to pretend"? Because we don't know these people. These people aren't our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and friends and aunts and uncles and cousins. These people aren't even our enemies. They are invisible unless we open our eyes and stop pretending. For the past few days I've been constantly talking myself through this Chick-fil-a ordeal. I try to consider both sides but tonight my mind is clouded by reality by men, women, and children who work for $2 a day, all day, with no break at all. My mind is overrun by men, women, and children who are raped everyday, all day, until they become so damaged they are no longer wanted neither in brothels or in the sick world that didn't save them because they are too busy pretending. Get angry. Someone get pissed. I'm sorry that I view this Dan Cathy business as petty. That I can not seem to find the heart to be pissed about it. I do not hate gay people and I do not hate Christians. Each of us has been given the opportunity to make our own choices. Both gays and straights make their own. However their are people in this world that have no choice in the situations they are in. This argument is important to us because it directly influences us. It includes our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and friends and aunts and uncles and cousins. It includes me and you but it's not what's important. We have the power to be happy and other's happiness is stripped away with their dignity. Think about what's important and remember those without a choice. 

but I dont wanna...

Living six hours away from home has been a challenge. Last year I went home every month. This year I go home about once every two months if I'm super lucky. Various happenings at home have greatly influenced my desire to be there. When things go wrong with my family I want to see if everything is ok. I want to experience their "OKness." I need to see their face. I need to hear your voice. God has greatly challenged me being here at school. I have awesome friends and a kickin family. I unfortunately cannot be there physically for both which breaks my heart. Another situation I have found myself in is my yearning to control timing. When I am getting ready to leave for home I want all my stuff packed and loaded and very minimum things to do in the morning before my departure. When I leave home I have to make sure that the timing is perfect and I will be there as soon as I can with the least amount of stops and most amount of daylight. This past weekend I was determined to continue doing the exact same thing. My lack of communication enabled me to stay until Monday however I had to be back before 9 for my staff meeting. So immediately I started doing math in my head... Lubbock and Canyon. Four Hours to Lubbock and about an hour and a half to Canyon. My destination would be reached at 8:30. this immediately made me feel tense. I wasnt able to sleep in that morning for fear I somehow miss it. I was not in control. This is what got to me most. I absolutely hate being late and the communication between my rides was not where I felt comfortable. We left at about 3:20. School Zones... AWESOME! We drove about two hours and ran into a wildfire. There were about like ten cars infront of us. "If we would have left at three this wouldnt have happened." Despite the time seeming to run alot faster than usual I finally stopped. This fire was beautiful! It was huge and promised destruction. Not that I'm not pushing aside those that could have gotten hurt by it. This was probably the most I smiled all day. My friend was freaking out and I was in utter awe at this magnificent happening. Then and there I realized. I'm not in control. I knew God was smiling at me and shaking his finger as I stood there with a cheeky grin saying "Yeah I know". So I made it to my meeting about 10 minutes late and just missed the beginning of an easter hunt my creative boss decided to put on. Throughout all the worry, throughout all the stress God delivered. Why doubt. In between the distance and pushing the seconds God stands. You are not in control and you will never be. God has taken that weight off your shoulders. Thank you again Jesus! :)

Never Look Back When Plowing

Tonight was the secret church where Christians all met together like they did in the persecuted church in catacombs. It wasnt quite as I expected. I was not questioned at the door or the cops didnt search my bag for my bible. I unfortunaltely was not thrown into a solitary confinement for going to worship God. Its amazing how much we take for granted. Tonight we sang, we read scripture, we prayed, and listened to stories of martyers. I have alway been intrigued by these stories even growing up. The idea of just believing in something so much to give up yourself and basically your breath for it. Growing up I was never really good at anything. I was average at school but never really excelled in one subject and I wasnt the best softball or soccer player either! I wanted and sometimes still want to just be good at just one single thing. I do possess a heart. A heart that yearns to help people, to reach out and take them in my arms and tell them that everything will be ok. It's awesome just seeing how peoples faith is around the world and no matter how bad things are for them they still believe. We are spoiled. We are so use to getting every stinking thing we want and refuse to believe something because so and so believes in it or it doesnt fit into our selfish schedules. We need a good heart breaking. Not a my boyfriend just broke up with me heart break but just to see the conditions that people have to live in and what people are forced to believe. In Luke 9:57-62 Jesus asks people to follow him. People had an agenda to stick to and needed to follow. I need to say bye to my family. I need to bury my father. Jesus said no. In this life of mine I have not been especially talented or smart. I however always strive to be there for people and ultimately let them know that I can be trusted. I am studying Graphic Design here at West Texas A&M University. My professor once said that we are this major because we have been told we are good at it. My mom told me this. She actually told me I should major in graphic design. My dad however wanted me to be an engineer. Expression has also been a huge aspect in my life. Not so much for me but for those who are hurting, those who should have lost hope but have not. When I am questioned about my future I say oh I wanna work for charities or a non profit organization. This to me is not realistic enough for me to help my family. I feel that I need to carry my own weight and not put school costs and such in my families already stressful lives. Lately I have responded to the question about my future by more truthfully saying I want to be a missionary. Graphic Design. Where is the people? Where is the pain? Where is the never failing hope? Tonight I realized that God has called me my whole life to do this. To use my heart that has been given to me. I must follow Jesus and not worry about family for God is with them. I feel like I constantly deny God and make up excuses on why I can't do this. I believe I have a huge obligation to my family. That I owe them so much that I will never be able to amount to. Yet God has given it all. An ultimate debt that I cannot even start to pay off. Buddy Young challenged us tonight. He said change your major. You don't need to be here. I don't. What I want to do is out there. It always has been. I don't believe I have the spiritual strength right now to minister yet I will pray and I ask you to pray as well. " Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Luke 9: 58. What a beautiful challenge. One I hopefully can begin to start.

Readjusting Your Internal Clock

This morning I woke up to the rain hitting the roof outside my window. Life promised to this desert land called the panhandle. However I was uncomfortably an hour early for my arrival back to conscientiousness. I turned on the tv to a movie I wanted to continue watching from last night. The credits rolled to Singing In The Rain one of my favorite songs. I chose to let it be what I lived by today. "Come on with the rain there's a smile on my face." Then I realized it was cold, my hair didn't dry as awesome as I wanted it to, and that movie literally had 30 seconds left until it was over. I switched the channel to VH1. Jennifer Hudson's beautiful voice flooded my room. However she was singing a phrase that would absolutely kill Mrs. Reed. Where You At? How can you combine such a magnificent talent with the phrase Where You At? Really?! I walked to class quickly wanting to avoid the cold as much as possible. I can walk. My hands are almost frozen and I type. I'm on a huge mac! Through out my life thus far I have realized that choice and regret are the major topics I dwell on in my life. Today's deals with the wonderful power of choice. This morning I woke angry but I have been given another day. I was encouraged by the power of song! Who can be angry about that? Life is composed of choices. A choice to take things personally. Happiness. Today I let situations that have happened over the past few days bog me down. All of the sudden I feel very alone. I fight my need to talk to someone. My self esteem shines. I'm not alone. I have the best family in the world! I am super blessed with friends! I have to never ending love of a merciful God. I have a choice to smile. I have no reason not to. I have been provided with all I need. Choice. Given. Make the most of it. Just be happy.



This is my most favorite quote from the book called Taming the Beast. Throughout this girl's life she gives all she has to the thing she wants and loves most, both her emotions and most influential her future. Yet throughout all of her troubles she realizes that no matter what happened in your life, it's your life. Whether you lived it or not it's yours, there you can find all you have ever needed.

"But then life was a constant withering of possibilities. some are stolen with the lives of the people you know. Other's are let go with regret and reluctance and deep, deep sorrow. But there is compensation for lives unlived in the intoxicating joy of knowing-right here, right now- is the one you have chosen. There is power in that, and hope."

I have been so excited for my trip this summer to Honduras and the many things happening with Red Thread. I have such big dreams to reach out to those who are in countries with limited resources, most specifically third world countries. I was listening to one of my friends attempt to sell a Red Thread bracelet to one of the guys in our history class. He raised questions about how did he know that the money went to what we were saying it went to and basically just making me very angry. He also asked why should we focus on other countries when the same thing is happening here in the US. Frequently I have dismissed this subject. Tonight I was at a bible study and we spoke about Epaphras. A man that is only spoken about 3 times in the bible. How insignificant right? Lets just focus on Jesus he gets more spotlight! Epaphras had a vision and made a huge difference where he lived. Honestly I need to go back and restudy what we studied last night but this is the main point I want to focus on. My desires to go abroad are merely described, or I merely describe them, as a chance to help people that are less fortunate than me. Am I not also called to be like the good samaritan? When someone is in need, when the person that lives within 10 feet of me avoids anything to do with the church, when a coworker struggles because I simply adopt views of her based on others? How can I successfully help others abroad when I can't even get it right on my own turf?! um... now to another point or "futherance" of the main one!

Tonight I listened to stories from Beach Reach and hear about the stories and excitement of the rededication or dedication of lives to God. As a guy told his story his excitement could not be contained. What if we were as concerned with our friends and our neighbors as we are about these people that we reach out to that we don't even know? With me I am so caught up in being known as accepting and not judgmental. My determination to be so accepting prevents me from pointing out the true flaws in the situation and ultimately share the awesome grace of our Father. Though this unfortuanely is not the only factor in my lack of witnessing. Thinking about this I wonder why I am not focused on my friends and those close to me as much as I am on those from other countries that I don't even know. Not that they should be more important but just as important. Why have I not focused on them as much as I need to, as much as I care about them, as much as I love them. We are not safe. I am not safe. Unfortanately we cannot bring whichever friends into heaven we want with us. It was also commented tonight that Epapherus ultimately loved people so much that the amount of ridicule or humilation that he endured did not hinder his persistance.

Don't forget those closest to you and don't forget those in the distance. Ultimately strive to ensure true life to all those you encounter. Have a vision and make a difference. I can be Epapherus.